Eric

Introduction

Most of my friends and co-workers have noticed profound changes in my life over the past several months. The comments I've received from all of you vary, and include the fact that I seem much happier now than before, I'm far more patient with people, less angry, that people seem to like me better, that I'm more fun to be around, that I'm way more productive, that I look better and healthier, and that there is just something positive and different about me now.

My attempts to explain the changes in my life to friends have had mixed or disappointing results in most cases. Some don't believe me when I tell them the truth, and think I'm making this all up or it's some type of prank. Some have asked if I've been checked for a stroke or brain tumor. Others have expressed disappointment after I told them my story, and acted as if they felt sorry for me. Some have acted differently toward me and now keep their distance after I explained what happened, as if I had an infectious disease they could catch, or as if I'm now embarrassing to be around.

I've always felt that I communicate better through the written word than the spoken, so I decided to start this website and write this testimony to make it clear that my miracle of Grace is no prank, that my life has forever changed, and that I'm a much different and better person now than I was before. God has called me, I have answered his call, and he has rewarded me in so many ways, and especially by filling me with the greatest sense of joy and peace I've ever known.

So I'm emailing the link to this story to all my friends, with the hope you will understand why I'm much better off now, and why you should be happy for me rather than sad about my new life and faith. Please understand that I'm not trying to shove my faith down your throat and turn you into a religious person or force you to do anything different in your own life. That would be a waste of time, and would have the opposite effect, until you are ready for that change. All I'm asking you to do is read my story below, so you'll understand how and why I’m different now.

My background

Many of you know my background, others don't, so I'll just come out publicly and tell everyone.

I was born into public housing and grew up in a rough environment. I began using drugs at age 13, then dropped out of high school, then joined the Army. The Army straightened me out, but I also became addicted to pain pills following an injury, and that lead to a heroin addiction.

The first time I got off hard drugs, I made major changes to straighten out my life. I enrolled in a California state university, and graduated with a BS in finance in just two and a half years, number one in my class. I was most proud of the fact that I had to teach myself long division and fractions just to pass the entrance exam for college, but just a few years later I received perfect scores on my Calc III and Advanced Statistics finals.

I then used this success to apply to law school, and was accepted by a top national law school on a full merit based fellowship, with all tuition, expenses, and even living expenses covered.

I was married the summer before I entered law school. Unfortunately, we were never really happy together, and we got divorced just two years after I graduated. I then began partying heavily and using drugs again. At the time, I was a criminal defense attorney, and a flamboyant one. I saw my life's mission as fighting "The Man" and the system. I became successful and well known as a criminal trial attorney, and saved many clients from decades in prison.

To make a long story short, I eventually committed the amazingly stupid mistake of accepting a small amount of methamphetamine from a client who had been recruited by law enforcement to set me up in exchange for dismissal of an arrest. I was arrested the next day, in front of the court house and a good portion of my legal peers, after being stopped by an officer based on a canine alert while I had a personal use quantity of meth in my pocket.

As you might guess, this incident resulted in massive shame and public humiliation for me, and ended my legal career. A short time later, I voluntarily surrendered my law license (same legal effect as disbarment) and pled guilty to felony possession of a controlled substance under a probated first offender sentence. After serving five years on probation without incident, I completed my first offender sentence, and can now legally say that I've never been convicted of a felony. My arrest was ten years ago, and I haven't used illegal drugs since.

I moved back to California after my sentencing, but after sending out over 500 resumes, wasn't able to find a job. I wasn't looking for a legal job, just employment that would allow me to earn a decent living. After a year of unemployment, I realized I was going to have to start from the bottom in another career, and got a job selling on commission in an electronics chain store with an $8 hour base pay. My, how I had fallen. I felt like this was the lowest time of my life, even lower than after I got arrested for drugs.

Within several weeks at my new job, I was promoted to department manager, and several weeks later to the position of buyer for more than 20 stores. I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. About two years into my job as a buyer, I left and went to work as an outside sales rep for one of my vendors. I then parlayed that job into a better one after several years. Now, I can say without hesitation my career change was a blessing, since I make the same amount or more than I made as an attorney, but I only work a fraction of the hours and have a zero stress job.

My slide show of pain

Fast forward several years, to where I am now. I make a good living, have money, nice cars, have long gotten past my earlier troubles, and should be happy. But I wasn't.

I'm not sure how other people's minds and memories work, but I need to describe mine so you can understand what I'm going to tell you next.

The more time went by, the more depressed I became, and the more guilt I felt. My depression and guilt were caused by bad memories. After a while, my cumulative guilt and depression from my memories were disabling to me.

The way my mind works, each of my memories is associated with an image, and an emotion is layered onto that image. It's like a movie camera is running in my mind as I go through my day, and a single frame from that reel becomes associated with any given memorable incident. On top of each single frame graphic sits an emotion, either good, bad or indifferent, depending on the specific memory.

If I did something that made me feel proud or a sense of accomplishment, my memory of that accomplishment would be a single image of whatever I was viewing at the time, plus a positive emotion associated with that scene.

But if I did something bad, for example cheated, lied, used someone, or something else I wasn't proud of, I would be left with an image and negative emotion, and the degree of negativity I felt when I recalled that image and emotion would vary based on the level of shame or guilt my subconscious assigned to the memory.

Most of my memories were bad rather than good. I had a tremendous number of bad memories from childhood, from being in the Army, as an adult, and especially as an attorney. I'd let down virtually everyone who'd ever taken a chance on me, and lied and cheated countless times while hurting countless people.

My main problem was that my bad memories from the past were constantly retriggered by random events in my life. For example, something I saw would trigger a similar graphic memory, and I’d then be hit with the and bad emotion associated with that memory. Then that memory would trigger others, which would trigger still more. Suddenly I’d be flooded with bad memories and associated emotions frame by frame, like an endless slide show of pain.

This personal hell became disabling. I stopped going out, my productivity dropped sharply at work, and I felt like death would be the only escape from my torture. I'd sought psychiatric help, and was prescribed things like Prozac for depression and various medications for a bi-polar diagnosis I still don't believe was valid. But those substances didn't really do anything for me, because they couldn't treat the root cause of my problems, only my symptoms.

Up to this point, I'd never read the Bible or had any experience with church, except a few random Sundays when I was married, which only lead to a belief that church seemed to consist mostly of hypocritical white people wearing suits.

My miracle of grace

In June, 2008, my past memories became overpowering for me, and I began to seriously consider ending my pain by shooting myself in the head or standing in front of a speeding commuter train.

When I felt like I couldn't handle things anymore, sitting alone in my home, I called out "God, please kill me, I can't take this anymore". Suddenly, and I tell you the truth, I felt a very calming influence and a sense of urgency to purchase a Bible on the Internet for overnight delivery. After doing a little Google research, I purchased a New Living Translation Life Application Study Bible from amazon.com, and it was delivered two days later.

A powerful inner urge next directed me to start reading that Bible from the beginning of the New Testament, which is the Gospel of Matthew. As I read, the story of Jesus came alive within me and struck me as something that must be true, because nobody could make up a story of someone so selfless. In addition, based on my legal background, I realized that what I was reading could be introduced in a modern court as evidence that Jesus once existed and had committed the acts and miracles described in the Bible.

So as I was reading through the Gospel of Jesus, I eventually decided I believed in him, that it was at least more likely than not that these things I was reading were substantially true. The stories and words attributed to him were independently written by different people almost two thousand years ago, were strikingly similar, were witnessed by hundreds and thousands of different people, and there was no evidence of contemporaneous denials of these events by others. Shortly after this, I found a book on this same point, "A Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. Rather than sidetrack this story further, I'll just urge you to read that book if you haven't already.

I then thought "Jesus, I believe in you." The answer from a voice in my mind was immediate, and it said to me clearly: "Do you repent your sins?" "Yes", I replied, "I'm very sorry for all the bad things I've done in my life."

Next the voice said "Do you forgive everyone who has sinned against you?"

"Yes", I again replied without hesitation, "In my heart I sincerely forgive my parents, my ex-wife, and everyone else I've ever hated or harbored a grudge against".

Next, I saw a blinding white flash, and I fell backwards onto my couch, as I was knocked back from my seated position.

And the voice then said "You are forgiven. Now walk with me and sin no more."

Immediately, the slide show of pain I described above ended, and has never returned. I can still bring up the images associated with my former bad memories in my mind, but those images are no longer associated with pain, shame, guilt, or other bad emotions. I was stripped of the weight of all of my bad memories at the instant God forgave me for my sins. And since God has forgiven me, who am I not to forgive myself?

What I felt next, and what I still feel all these months later, is an extremely powerful and pleasant feeling of joy and peace emanating from the center of my chest and pulsing through my mind and entire body. This feeling is more pleasant than any drugs I've ever used. I know, I'm convinced, that what happened to me was a miracle from God, and that for the rest of my life, I must live as a redeemed child of God and do my best to honor him each day.

I also now realize that the only thing wrong with me before was that I lacked God, that his amazing Grace has saved a wretch like me, and that I've never been happier or felt like I've been in a better state of mental and physical health.

I've joined a Church (www.alcf.net) and love it there. It has about 6000 members, and is extremely diverse. That's what makes it feel like home to me. I attend their Saturday night service, plus the Singles Bible Study on Tuesday nights.

So other than what I described above, I'm still a normal person and hope we can still be friends.

My greatest wish for my friends

As I stated earlier, I will never be a bible beater or an annoying guy who is always looking to talk about the Bible and Jesus to everyone he meets. Being in sales, I know that trying to sell things to people who don't want to buy is a losing proposition. Please be assured that we can still talk and have healthy good times together without you needing to worry that I'm going to spend all my time talking about Jesus.

So this is the only time I'll ask you to think about this, unless you ask me about it in the future. What I'm asking you to consider is:

What if everything I said above is true. Could something like what I described above also happen to you? Is it possible you could experience what I experienced, and feel the greatest feeling of peace and joy you've ever known, and walk around with an unmistakable and amazingly good physical buzz after being touched by God with all your sins washed away?

To be honest, I don't know if exactly what happened to me could happen to you. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But would you like to try? What have you got to lose? Here's what I suggest:

1. Buy a Bible after reading the reviews on the various translations (I suggest New Living Translation, American Standard, New King James Version, or the New International Version). Buy a nice one with annotations (I'm fascinated with the stories, history, and clarification provided by the annotations), and start reading it at the beginning of the New Testament. If that seems like too much for you, I suggest at least reading the Book of John or Luke, followed by Acts.

2. Open your mind to the fact that Jesus walked on this Earth about 2000 years ago, and that what the Bible says about him and his time on Earth is true.

3. Once you sincerely believe in Jesus, tell Him that you believe in Him. Tell Him that you wish to be forgiven for all your sins, and that you repent and are sorry for all the bad things you've done in your life. Then ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior, and see if you feel any change in your life.

You have nothing to lose by asking Jesus if you can walk with Him. You will spend an eternity in a lake of fire if you don't. This seems like a great deal to me, and I strongly recommend you consider it while you still have time.

And please revisit this site from time to time. I plan to start a blog in the blog section here, and will write about such things as the wonderful and amazing gifts I've been blessed with since I've was reborn.

God bless you!

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